Bizarro News: Pastor Gets Flock to Believe His Penis Has ‘Sacred Milk’


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Over 30 years ago, James Jones got all of his worshippers to drink a lethal mixture of kool-aid, but after hearing what the latest loser pastor got his followers to drink, I think I’d opt for the kool-aid.

The latest wack job out of Brazil, Evangelical Pastor Valdeci Sobrino Picanto has been arrested for bamboozling his followers into believing that his magical penis has “sacred milk” in it that can only be released into their mouths, thus giving them an instant connection to the Holy Spirit, according to Vatican Crimes.

C’MON SON! What fresh hell is this?! It’s understandable that people are enamored with the greatness of their spiritual leaders, but this doesn’t sound like stupid followers, it sounds more like consensual relations between the women of his congregation and a powerful man. That formula is not unusual, even here in America.

But one of the victims in the report said:

“He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through our mouth and that’s why he would do what he did. Often, after worship, pastor Valdeci would take us to where the funds were kept at the back of the Church and asked us to have oral sex with him until the Holy Spirit would come through ejaculation.”

I’m throwing down the mic and exiting left. We have officially heard it all.

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